The Real Problem with Modern Dating
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Our dating culture won’t change until our behaviour does. Time to face the cold hard truth!
Mainstream Feminism Has Mislead Many Women in Love
Let me start by saying that growing up and still to this day, I have always been conservative in principle, especially around love and relationships. Since I was in my twenties I longed for stable commitment and I’ve had huge distaste towards casual culture. I had no desire to “experiment”, I wanted something real or nothing at all. However, I always felt pressured to adhere to liberal ideologies as it was not only what the media portrayed, but what my peers were engaged in. I always felt wrong for wanting solid commitment because the men I was meeting made me feel like I was asking for too much!
Naturally, I conformed because I wanted to fit in, while completely ignoring the voice inside of me that felt like I was violating my truth. I presume my conservative nature has something to do with my introversion, but nonetheless it has taken me years to acknowledge this about myself. The word ‘conservative’ appears to hold negative connotation as it is often associated to political affiliation, but here I’m referring to social conservatism in terms of principles.
Our current dating culture is not set up to cultivate deep, healthy and lasting relationships and I believe that it is largely to be blamed on the fact that we as a collective don’t view our interpersonal relationships as something that needs to be nurtured and cultivated in the same way that we make our careers a priority. Many people give no real thought as to why they engage in the relationships they do, aside from a desire to be pleasured, along with the rush of adrenaline they receive when consumed by infatuation. Our misplaced value system puts more emphasis on money than it does on our mental and emotional well being.
Our yearning to be loved and to give love is not something to be ignored, rather it’s something to be embraced. I would argue that it’s central to our overall well being. According to Alain de Botton, it’s estimated that 60% of our life satisfaction is dependent on the quality of our primary relationships. And yet North American culture is fixated on promoting extreme independence and selfishness with little understanding of the fact that we live in an interdependent ecology, meaning that every action has a reaction AND in order to receive someone must be willing to give. This means that our individual actions have collective consequences! The ‘bad luck’ that life serves us is not some divine intervention, it’s the result of poor choices either on our end and/or the burden we carry for someone else’s — unless it’s of course the result of mother nature!
Which brings me to the point that women love to complain about our dating culture and the first thing they blame is men while forgetting that it’s a two way street! Unfortunately, women often fail to recognize their own role in our dysfunctional dating culture as they are active participants in it! For starters, mainstream feminism has convinced women that emulating the immaturity of men is a sign of “empowerment”. The old adage of “if they can do it, I can too” seems to dictate how feminists behave.
Mainstream Feminist Logic:
If men can act like pigs, we can too!
The fundamental flaw with this logic is that two wrongs don’t make a right. We as women are reaping what we have sown, or should I say allowed. Most women have actively chosen to ignore their innate desire for monogamy in order to prove how “equal” they are to men, and the result? Most women are miserable! Sadly, this mentality is only reinforcing toxic masculinity. We seem to equate liberation with sex and nudity, but true liberation is having peace of mind and emotional fulfillment. It’s knowing that you have a secure partner to go home to every night who will be there to support you and to help you raise your children, should you choose to have any of course! Sex is the icing on the cake, not the main prize.
Truthfully, what is life without meaningful and deep connection? Heartache is devastating and it’s powerful enough to kill, so why have we downgraded and ignored the fundamental role of real love in our life satisfaction?
Mainstream feminism I would argue represents a small fraction of women: the emotionally void, the non committal types, the career obsessives, and the promiscuous. These are the women that young girls look to emulate as perpetuated by the media and magazines, yet a vast majority of women do not resonate or feel comfortable with those lifestyles, but are naively pressured into it out of fear of being socially alienated, labelled a “prude” or “too demanding” for wanting solid commitment. How dare a young woman actually admit that she wants a loving and committed husband in her life?!
Let’s be clear that liberation is not:
- Unstable relationships that cause mental and emotional distress
- Promiscuity which has resulted in increased rates of sexually transmitted diseases. Did you know that according to the CDC, one in every five Americans has an STI? Having an STI can increase your risk of contracting HIV and in some cases can lead to infertility and other lifelong complications! To make matters worse, some STIs are becoming antibiotic resistant.
- To add further perspective, the US had 862,495 abortions in 2019, making it the number #1 cause of death in America, followed by heart disease at 659,041.
- Overt nudity which has encouraged a shallow culture that places huge emphasis on physical appearance
- Casual dating which has eroded the family structure leaving many women to raise children on their own
- Increased rates of lifelong singlehood leading to depression, loneliness and other health issues
Our dating culture is far from empowering, in fact it’s demoralizing and downright depressing. To make matters worse, feminists are actively preaching about how “strong and independent they are” and how they don’t need men! Encouraging women to engage in promiscuity and non committed relationships, only for them to end up raising children on their own or resorting to abortion. Encouraging women to reduce their reproductive system to an ATM machine instead of reinforcing the power that women hold to bring human life into this world. Women have lost respect for themselves and their bodies and they don’t seem to notice or care.
Where are the feminists who actually care about the welfare of men, women and future generations? Encouraging women to embrace immaturity as a form of empowerment is toxicity — it’s basically toxic masculinity wrapped in a bow. The narrative being promoted completely contradicts what most women actually want.
We should be holding ourselves and men to higher standards, not lowering them!
We need to start promoting behaviours that are conducive to healthy relationships that apply to both men and women!
If we want to build healthy and sustainable relationships we need to collectively work towards:
- Having shared morals and respect. This means less emphasis on casual sex and more emphasis on securing a real committed relationship before jumping into bed by ensuring that your values and life vision are aligned. This is enforced by setting clear boundaries and upholding them. This will help reduce STI rates and the emotional distress of unstable connections.
- Learning to embrace solitude when no stable and committed prospects are available.
- Continuous self-development. This means becoming self-aware of your thoughts and emotions and learning to deal with your triggers. As well as overall life improvements in career, health and other areas.
- Having discernment and self -control. Not allowing anybody and everybody into your personal space. Desiring someone doesn’t mean they are good for you. Also, learning to respect people and their boundaries as well as your own.
A culture that pervasively promotes the destruction of marriage and encourages singlehood as a badge of honour, instead of upholding family, is not only misleading, but it’s only further alienating many people and perpetuating loneliness.
We need to rethink our ways and start prioritizing the importance of healthy relationships if we want to improve our overall life satisfaction.
If women are truly sick of the dating culture, then they need to set precedent. Men wouldn’t be able to bounce from one woman to the next or have such shallow expectations if we didn’t allow it or participate in it in the first place! What we view as short-term fun actually has devastating long-term consequences.
As women, our participation in the toxic dating culture has freed men of all incentive to get serious, resulting in the delayed age of marriage, which comes with its share of fertility issues, and for many our shallow culture has led to lifelong singlehood. You can’t participate in casual culture without fully understanding the ramifications of those actions. I’m not saying that men are free of fault in all of this, but as women we need to stop deflecting our role in the demise of our own happiness. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result! And yet here we are perpetuating the same ignorance, year after year, and wondering why nothing is changing?
If we truly want to be empowered women, we might want to stop stealing from the men’s handbook and start writing our own!
I understand that life is a journey and we all make mistakes, but we need to try harder to make wiser and more conscious decisions about our life choices. Our dating culture is failing because we have collectively failed to uphold the morals, values and standards necessary to sustain it. It’s that simple!
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